"Do not pity the dead, pity the living and above all… those who live without love."
It’s Just A … Game of Hearts
I actually found this picture browsing through new desktop wallpapers for my laptop, so I reverse searched the photo to find the person responsible for this picture. I don’t know why but it just seemed to speak to me. As dark as this heart might look, it filled mine with light and a lot of curiosity. It’s just the way the heart is formed and I love how it sort of has a real look to it. Well anyway this got me thinking about something… Is it really possible to have a black heart? Is it a choice or is it an inborn trait that you one day take on and realize? Now I realize that the world isn’t split up into humanitarians and serial killers -we have both light and dark inside of us- what matter is the part we choose to act on. That is who we really are. It is sort of conflicts my questions but in the end I came to a long train of thought that follows.
Not to brag, but when people refer to me, they refer to my warm heart and kindness. They see so much kindness that they assume me to be like that always and for the most part it is true. Of course people have those days when they just are not in the mood to be kind and I am no exception. But to be honest, I feel I am a person with a rather dark heart. Even as a kid, I loved to be the evil person in the game – running from authority, taking no orders, harming people- and till this day it is the same. Which leads me to my conclusion, people are born with darkness (or light) in their hearts and it sort of grows like a seed. Sure people like me are able to push it to one side and act upon the good in themselves, but to a certain extent. Sometimes I find myself unable to hold myself, my anger, and my willingness to be evil. It seems to fill me up , escalating like wave would near the ocean, eventually those waves must crash…that is when I find myself most dangerous. I am unable to control my words but I know what I am saying, I am unable to stop from vibrating in place but I know how to, and when I get that malicious want to laugh at another’s pain but I know it is wrong.
Unfortunately, we are who we are and thats just the way things go. Hopes to change are close to nothing. Evil (as well as good) is a trait that we are born with and it is one that we will die with. We can do everything in our power to stop it but when that moment of emotional apex comes to play, our natural selves come out. To be honest, it is much easier to be the evil person, being true to my wants and not having too worry about cover. But since kindness runs through my circle and then to me, its sort of hard to mirror their kindness with evil. So I hold myself, daily – putting all these emotions away for a time that it will be needed – and take deep breaths. Then I pray and patiently wait till the time should come when I will be able to unleash all that I have held. We are who we are, and I am just oh so Oso.