"Do not pity the dead, pity the living and above all… those who live without love."
I Left You Once…
I Left You One Day – Lilit Hovhannisyan
I left you one day,
Burying my love, my heart, under the darkest soil
For me to forget and to never return to the joyus, playful life
Which is now dark
I left you one day,
Changing my life, giving it a new meaning
And now I leave each day forgetting you
How was it that your soul and your heart was fading whilst beside me?
Being blinded, being crushed
Loving has become difficult
And without you it is hard to live
But by leaving you, I saved myself
I saved myself from the endless fights,
There is no need for that in love or life
By leaving, I freed myself from your hell
Your lifeless looks where the death of me,
Your kind words were my birth,
How could you hurt someone who saved you from life,
There was no need to believe your lies
Or to gift my love to you without thinking
Because the truth is, I wont even get to see you smile
This is another of my favorite song writers songs. I love the way he writes because even though there are some little things lost in translation, he still has a wonderful way with words. He some how, to me at least, has a way of painting this picture in your head and represent feelings in a way that I have not seen before. This subject is rather interesting. He writes about how a particular individual brings him so much pain yet he cannot leave her. He writes about the pain it brings him and how he leaves but even then it is hard to live without that person. That’s what I hate the very most. The truth is, we all have that someone. That select individual that brings us an infinite amount of pain yet we still love them and we know that deep down they do too. I myself have a great amount of experience with that subject even at this young age. The person being someone who can’t or wont change for whatever reason. A person who has an empty heart and really doesn’t care who fills it. A person whom I loved very much. You see, in theory we would be good friends. He could be like the Little Brother I always wanted and I could have been his older brother. Closer than just friends. Brothers. But it could never be. And upon hearing this song, I am reminded of him.
The limited amount of time we did spend together in our two year friendship, the moments that were not fighting, those few select moments that we were actually happy – I remember them like it was yesterday. I remember helping him and bringing him out from all the darkness. I remember being a guide to him which gave me the ultimate happiness. I remember loosing him to a force greater than myself and then upon his return I remember asking him “Please don’t leave me like that again. Please don’t be unkind to my heart. Please stay beside me.” I remember his response “I promise. You are a special type of friend that only comes by once in a lifetime and for that I am grateful.” Although he didn’t say it exactly like that, that was the gist of it. Then there were the fights. I remember he used to smile and I would forget all my anger but the interesting thing was that after a plethora of fights, that didn’t exactly work anymore.
The thing I remember most is leaving. “I’m going.” I said ” I can’t take anymore of this” and the truth was that I couldn’t. He had his ‘girlfriend’ now and he can only give his true love to one or two people at a time. Who was I to gain some of his undivided attention or love? Nobody. That’s who nobody. When somebody else came into the picture I was nobody. I was sacrificing my life for him and he was throwing me away to the sidelines. So “I’m done” I said in hopes of him saying something to change my mind but he didn’t. He let me walk out of the door and later he would talk to me about it “I let you leave because I know that without me in your life, you could live happily and I am just ruining your life. I know that I bring you a great amount of pain and I don’t wish to cause you anymore. So I am letting you go. I know that I will never be the person you want me to be and for that I am sorry.” I couldn’t move, I was frozen by his words. “There is nothing to be sorry for. It’s all in the past now. I had seen our future and it wasn’t that bright.” I have a way of telling what was going to happen in the future and from what visions I saw, it wasn’t that great. I saw him commit a betrayal greater than anything he had already committed. “Do you know what I see? I see a future with us apart and us loosing one another. Then I see me finding you in all the people of this world, coming to you, but I wouldn’t be my old self. I would be the person you always wanted me to be.”
I almost cried inside. I thought why couldn’t he be that way now? Why was it going to take all those years? The truth is that those were probably just words to get me to think kindly of him because that’s all they ever were. Just words. Nothing of real substance and now I am left here thinking about all the joy, happiness, and light that we could have experienced with each other. I know he doesn’t think of it but I honestly don’t care because while he is destined to be my bane when together, he is my reason to keep fighting on when apart. To keep fighting for a future like that. A future with happiness. Love. Life. Brothers.