"Do not pity the dead, pity the living and above all… those who live without love."
Requiem By Vahram Petrosyan
Stop, listen, to my requiem of love
My scars, your faults
Those I cannot account for
There is no longer any love,
Do not speak there is no need to make empty promises
I will return to you only…
Chorus: If you do not pain me
No, by me forgiving you I am fooling only myself
In this freedom I am in torture
No longer come near me
There is no longer any love,
Without love I am dieing
But now I return to you
Oh how you hold our loves past memories
Two unacquainted people
We are stangers to one another
When you rise to the sky, your judement will come
And I now forgive but I beg
“Lacrimosa dies illa, qua resurget ex favilla judicandus homo reus”
(On that sorrowful day, guilty man will rise from ashes for judgment)
Although this song is sung by Lilit Hovhanisyan, I didn’t think that it would be fair to give her all the credit for this song. It’s more important, in my opinion, to give the credit to the person who actually wrote the song since he did such a wonderful job. ‘Till now the lyrics sort of ring in my ears and bring forth all of these emotions that compile on top of on another and again I feel compelled to write a blog about it. All of his songs sort of have the same theme but each one is remarkably different. On that note I would like to tie it in with my previous blog. Previously, I wrote about those certain relationships that cause so much pain but it is impossible to leave I want to continue on that and write about what happens when you DO leave.
My entire blog has been my circumlocution, my round-about words about “certain people” and “some of us”. Since this is one of my last blogs, I think I am just going to cut all of that out and say what I really need to say. Going back to the story about my friend whom I left. After I went away, there was this whole in my heart. Like this song, I kept making excuses about how I can return but I know that I am only fooling myself – things would never change. But I tried to help him find his way back, some how, some way, back to the friendship we had. But I failed and I was left with the memories of our past. I held them in my hands as if they were hot coals, giving my warmth in all the coldness but burning my hands at the same time.
I thought about what it might be like if I did go back, if I gave him a second (more like tenth) chance to change his selfish ways and to take me in his heart. But like the song, I kept on contradicting myself. I knew it wasent possible and I was only torturing myself with the idea. I think the thing that got me over it the most was I thought “He is probably off playing basketball not even giving all of this a second thought. So why am I?” And after that, things sort of got better. There was no longer any tortue in my freedom, there was no longer this pull from my heart nagging to make things better.
I sometimes take a glance into his eyes to see if he thinks about it but its sort of interesting, he prefers the pain that remained from the ashes of our friendship rather than the urge to patch things up. In his eyes, I see all the pain I caused him, all the confusion, all the madness, and all of the heartbreak but I do not see a light. All I see is the sorrow and the emptiness. The will to fight has disappeared I guess but yet he still lingers. A day will come though. The sorrowful day and on that day when guilty man will rise from the ashes for judgment.