A Life for the Living

"Do not pity the dead, pity the living and above all… those who live without love."

An Excerpt

 

“Know that if you do anything else or say anything to hurt my sister again, I will kill you.” For the first time in a long time, I was furious and angry. My tone was no longer pleasant and kind, it was serious and reasuring. Just the thought of his words filled me with anger and disgust.

“Screw Lena and Emmit, I dont care about them. Let them do whatever the hell they want. I am going with to come with Karine and her mom in the mornings.” He was so cold and lifeless, like he had been when we first met, Peter was turning back the clock and going back to the corpse-like state he had been which only angered me further. But no matter how furious I was it still didnt make an imprint into Peters humanity, he looked me in the eye and began to laugh.

“You?! You wont kill me! You cant!!” He seemed to underestimate me. Had this been another time and a different situation, there was no way that I could take his life but seeing as he put me in this state of mind, I could actually pull it off. Not to mention that he was always pushing me and testing my limits, this time he pushed too far.

So I composed myself and took a deep breath before speaking

“I won’t hu?! Alright let me take you into a chokehold and lets see if I let go.” There was no anger in my voice, just a relaxed monotone output. But even still Peter continued to laugh never the less, he agreed.

“Ok!! Lets…do…it!!” Peter found himself very cocky and I had warned him many times before to not gain so much confidence but he never listened. So today that lesson would take on a physical effect. On this day, Peter would pay the price for his over confidence. So opened my arms and let him into my grip. As he rested his neck on my inner elbow, my heartbeat increased ten-fold. It was beating simultaneously with Peters heart as I felt it from his major neck artery.

“Are you ready?” I didn’t even wait for a response, instead my grip slowly tightened like a snake capturing its prey. A couple minutes passed before Peter spoke in a laughing tone,

“Ok. You can let go now.” He gave a few nervous chuckles before realizing that he had bitten of more than he could chew. I was going to kill him and we both knew it. He spoke the words again forcing them out of his mouth as he struggled to let himself out of my lock. But I could not hear his plea, his voice was faint in my mind, I was more focused on the sound of my blood pumping faster and faster. Through my veins, to my legs, up to my arms, and finally to my head. I took a deep breath to take the edge of, to calm me down, and time slowed down. My heart beats retarded and became steady. Peters movements too became slow but I moved through time at a steady rate. It was like everything was put on hold to give me a second so I may gather my thoughts. I didn’t understand it but I was glad it happened. Then I heard Peter’s voice in my memories,

“Your a girl, no joke!! Grow some balls! Are you gay, ‘cuz you seemed like a faggot to me!!” All the pain Peter caused me grew and expanded in my head, all the words I told him I forgave him for piled up like grains of sand and became this massive emotional sand dune. I looked up in the mirror only to notice my eyes changing color. It’s natural bright hazel state had now turned into a boiling blood red inferno. Then I looked upon Peter, he was still struggling to gain his pace back in time, tapping my arm fircely in attempts to gain my attention but I was too focused on the job at hand. Peter was going to pay for what he had put me through.

I looked into his eyes, hoping to get a glimpse of how his life would use it as an exit door to leave his body, for a persons eyes are a window into their soul. Slowly, life began to leave him. He was lazily gasping for air as his cheeks slowly became host to the color purple and then something else. From Peters frosty blue eyes, there dropped a tear. Instantly I became reminded of the last time he had shed a tear infront of me. It was during my birthday when he had committed a crime against me and I thought that I would never be able to forgive him. That same night, he came to me with sorrow filled eyes and an apology that I would never forget.

“I promise, I will never do anything to hurt you. Please. I can’t lose a friend like you.” I became angry with his empty promise

“You liar! You lied to me!” I yelled aloud as time regained its pace and I tightened my grip as far as it would go. His words filled my head again,

“ I love you. Please. You’re like an older brother to me.” All of a sudden, I was struck by a force greater than myself and I released him and took a couple steps back to the wall behind me. He fell to the floor trying to catch his breath, taking his hands to his neck as if to free an invisible noose that binded him. Peter was still choking and I couldn’t understand it. I stepped forward again, pitting my efforts with his to try and free him.

“Don’t you dare die on me!” I yelled while trying to free him from this unknown danger. In fear I stepped back from him and leaned against the wall as my legs collapsed under me and I fell to the floor in panic and in tears. All of a sudden he stopped his fierce gesticulating and random body jerks and lied completely still. I took my hands up towards my eyes to wipe the tears of my face only to see the blood that was already there. Had I succeeded in killing my own Little Brother? Or rather the person whom I had considered my younger brother. I crawled over to his body to see that he was laying down with a bloody nose, terrified, trying to catch his breaths. I tried to hoist his tired body up to stand on his feet.

“Come on. Get up. Don’t let your dad come home and see you like this. Lets go get you washed up.”

He forced himself out of my touch. “Don’t come near me! I’m not going anywhere with you!”

Gypsy Magic

Gypsy – Lilit Hovhannisyan

Never will I say never

On my heart they have placed a large lock

And now my life without you isn’t worth a penny

Your Gypsy mother once saw my future

She told me not to near you

Your Gypsy mother saw my future one day

But why didn’t she tell me that you are without a heart and soul

Chorus:

Your mother, who knows you very well

And she wanted to hold me back from you

Oh, the boy that I love is a Gypsy

And I don’t understand why

My heart chose him

According to the readings on my palm,

Na na neh x10

Girls, there he comes, up the road

Dont let us alone, my heart aches

Girls, there he comes, up the road

Dont let us alone, my heart aches

Chorus

He had taken me

He had kept me from the world

Then he left me alone

As if he was angry with me

Chorus x2

                       I myself, believe that our fates are planned for us. Of course not as others think it to be a straight path, I know it to be a web of choices that include some free will but most of which is planned. I also believe that some of us have the gift to see what lies ahead and while it isn’t an exact science, foresight is a powerful gift to have. Gypsy’s were, back in the day, believed to be trained in the gift of foresight. Their specialty being relationships and other human relations. But even if they could see what lies ahead it never really matters. We can’t really change what is coming. We can delay it. We can speed it up. We can ignore it. But destiny is destiny. If you are told that your heart is to be broken in the most brutal way by the person you hold most dear, it will happen. If you are told that the love of your life is to be your best friend, then it will be your friend. And if you are told that the person who will be your bane is the person who is closest to you, then he will be your demise. 

It’s even worse when you happen to see your fate and you do nothing to change it but that is destiny. You are doomed by your current mental state and feelings to carry-out out your fate. Then when you get to the end of it all, you know that you were right and it kills you. Foresight is indeed a powerful gift.

Finally….

They say that all good things must eventually come to their end and now it is time to say good bye to this wonderful school. This year was though with the constant reminder that I am a Senior and graduation is eminant. I think if it wasent for this class, I wouldn’t be able to get through the year. You see, our meaningful conversations made me understand life more than I already do and for some reason they always related somehow to what I was going through, seperation being the most prominant. But besides the wonderful conversations we had I loved the books that we read because each one had something to teach us and each one made me tweak my morals. Siddheartha took me through his life and aged me mentally by the time I finished the book and The Count of Monte Cristo actually aged me by the time i had finished.  Reading in this class not only bettered me morally but also it got me reading other books that were not assigned. When I was a kid I loved to read and over the years I lost that love but most recently (due to this class) I have found that love again and I hope to never loose it.

The blogs were probably my favorite part of Ms. Lahaises class just because neither of my past English classes had an ongoing assignment that was all about getting in touch with the world and, most importantly, with yourself. I can say that if it was for my expressing myself over these blog posts, I would have probably lost my mind this year. In extension, ever since I have been writing in this class (blog posts, journals, essays) my writing has dramatically improved and I have found myself to be an (amateur) writer. I always sort of knew that I had a passion for the written word but in this class I discovered my mediocre talent that I hope to improve it as I should continue with this class.

Looking at my last years blog post I had written:

“For many people in Ms. Lahaises class, this will be their final blog post and they are going to leave their blogs (as well as the class) forever but I am thankful not to be one of those people. I am glad that I will be continuing on with this class, with the great books that we read, with the great blogs that we write, with the exciting conversations we have, and the interesting TED talks that we watch. For this class is unlike any other I have encountered and I hope it stays as such when I come back to it next year. So, farewell until then and I hope next year you will still remember me being, Oh So OSO ;)

But I unfortuanlty cannot write that this year. I am unfortuantly one of those people who will be leaving which means, no more TED Talks, no more blogs, and no more Ms. Lahaise. I am leaving my comfort zone and it honestly scares me. I dont know what is going to happen to me and the uncertaintly is unbearable but as long as I have my friends and family to get me through it, I should survive… Hopefully.

Sources:

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Last Requiem…

Requiem By Vahram Petrosyan

Stop, listen, to my requiem of love

My scars, your faults

Those I cannot account for

There is no longer any love,

Do not speak there is no need to make empty promises

I will return to you only…

Chorus:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           If you do not pain me

No, by me forgiving you I am fooling only myself

In this freedom I am in torture

No longer come near me

There is no longer any love,

Without love I am dieing

But now I return to you

Oh how you hold our loves past memories

Two unacquainted  people

We are stangers to one another

When you rise to the sky, your judement will come

And I now forgive but I beg

Chorus

“Lacrimosa dies illa, qua resurget ex favilla judicandus homo reus”

(On that sorrowful day, guilty man will rise from ashes for judgment)

Chorus x3

Although this song is sung by Lilit Hovhanisyan, I didn’t think that it would be fair to give her all the credit for this song. It’s more important, in my opinion, to give the credit to the person who actually wrote the song since he did such a wonderful job. ‘Till now the lyrics sort of ring in my ears and bring forth all of these emotions that compile on top of on another and again I feel compelled to write a blog about it. All of his songs sort of have the same theme but each one is remarkably different. On that note I would like to tie it in with my previous blog. Previously, I wrote about those certain relationships that cause so much pain but it is impossible to leave I want to continue on that and write about what happens when you DO leave.

My entire blog has been my circumlocution, my round-about words about “certain people” and “some of us”. Since this is one of my last blogs, I think I am just going to cut all of that out and say what I really need to say. Going back to the story about my friend whom I left. After I went away, there was this whole in my heart. Like this song, I kept making excuses about how I can return but I know that I am only fooling myself – things would never change. But I tried to help him find his way back, some how, some way, back to the friendship we had. But I failed and I was left with the memories of our past. I held them in my hands as if they were hot coals, giving my warmth in all the coldness but burning my hands at the same time.

I thought about what it might be like if I did go back, if I gave him a second (more like tenth) chance to change his selfish ways and to take me in his heart. But like the song, I kept on contradicting myself. I knew it wasent possible and I was only torturing myself with the idea. I think the thing that got me over it the most was I thought “He is probably off playing basketball not even giving all of this a second thought. So why am I?” And after that, things sort of got better. There was no longer any tortue in my freedom, there was no longer this pull from my heart nagging to make things better.

I sometimes take a glance into his eyes to see if he thinks about it but its sort of interesting, he prefers the pain that remained from the ashes of our friendship rather than the urge to patch things up. In his eyes, I see all the pain I caused him, all the confusion, all the madness, and all of the heartbreak but I do not see a light. All I see is the sorrow and the emptiness. The will to fight has disappeared I guess but yet he still lingers. A day will come though. The sorrowful day and on that day when guilty man will rise from the ashes for judgment.

Sources:

Lilit Hovhannisyan – Requiem

Dantes Inferno Picture

I Left You Once…

I Left You One Day – Lilit Hovhannisyan

I left you one day,

Burying my love, my heart, under the darkest soil

For me to forget and to never return to the joyus, playful life

Which is now dark

I left you one day,

Changing my life, giving it a new meaning

And now I leave each day forgetting you

              Chorus:

How was it that your soul and your heart was fading whilst beside me?

Being blinded, being crushed

Loving has become difficult

And without you it is hard to live

But by leaving you, I saved myself

I saved myself from the endless fights,

There is no need for that in love or life

By leaving, I freed myself from your hell

Your lifeless looks where the death of me,

Your kind words were my birth,

How could you hurt someone who saved you from life,

There was no need to believe your lies

Or to gift my love to you without thinking

Because the truth is, I wont even get to see you smile

Chorus 2x

This is another of my favorite song writers songs. I love the way he writes because even though there are some little things lost in translation, he still has a wonderful way with words. He some how, to me at least, has a way of painting this picture in your head and represent feelings in a way that I have not seen before. This subject is rather interesting. He writes about how a particular individual brings him so much pain yet he cannot leave her. He writes about the pain it brings him and how he leaves but even then it is hard to live without that person. That’s what I hate the very most. The truth is, we all have that someone. That select individual that brings us an infinite amount of pain yet we still love them and we know that deep down they do too. I myself have a great amount of experience with that subject even at this young age. The person being someone who can’t or wont change for whatever reason. A person who has an empty heart and really doesn’t care who fills it. A person whom I loved very much. You see, in theory we would be good friends. He could be like the Little Brother I always wanted and I could have been his older brother. Closer than just friends. Brothers. But it could never be. And upon hearing this song, I am reminded of him.

The limited amount of time we did spend together in our two year friendship, the moments that were not fighting, those few select moments that we were actually happy – I remember them like it was yesterday. I remember helping him and bringing him out from all the darkness. I remember being a guide to him which gave me the ultimate happiness. I remember loosing him to a force greater than myself and then upon his return I remember asking him “Please don’t leave me like that again. Please don’t be unkind to my heart. Please stay beside me.” I remember his response “I promise. You are a special type of friend that only comes by once in a lifetime and for that I am grateful.” Although he didn’t say it exactly like that, that was the gist of it. Then there were the fights. I remember he used to smile and I would forget all my anger but the interesting thing was that after a plethora of fights, that didn’t exactly work anymore.

The thing I remember most is leaving. “I’m going.” I said ” I can’t take anymore of this” and the truth was that I couldn’t. He had his ‘girlfriend’ now and he can only give his true love to one or two people at a time. Who was I to gain some of his undivided attention or love? Nobody. That’s who nobody. When somebody else came into the picture I was nobody. I was sacrificing my life for him and he was throwing me away to the sidelines. So “I’m done” I said in hopes of him saying something to change my mind but he didn’t. He let me walk out of the door and later he would talk to me about it “I let you leave because I know that without me in your life, you could live happily and I am just ruining your life. I know that I bring you a great amount of pain and I don’t wish to cause you anymore. So I am letting you go. I know that I will never be the person you want me to be and for that I am sorry.” I couldn’t move, I was frozen by his words. “There is nothing to be sorry for. It’s all in the past now. I had seen our future and it wasn’t that bright.” I have a way of telling what was going to happen in the future and from what visions I saw, it wasn’t that great. I saw him commit a betrayal greater than anything he had already committed. “Do you know what I see? I see a future with us apart and us loosing one another. Then I see me finding you in all the people of this world, coming to you, but I wouldn’t be my old self. I would be the person you always wanted me to be.”

I almost cried inside. I thought why couldn’t he be that way now? Why was it going to take all those years? The truth is that those were probably just words to get me to think kindly of him because that’s all they ever were. Just words. Nothing of real substance and now I am left here thinking about all the joy, happiness, and light that we could have experienced with each other. I know he doesn’t think of it but I honestly don’t care because while he is destined to be my bane when together, he is my reason to keep fighting on when apart. To keep fighting for a future like that. A future with happiness. Love. Life. Brothers.

Sources:

Video

 

The Forgotten Genocide

I wanted to take this blog to talk about something that never seems to be mentioned anywhere something that most people don’t even know about. The pain of so many people, which seems to be ignored. To the Armenian people it is known as the Armenian Genocide and this is our story. Almost a century ago, we were deceived, we were tricked and our land was pulled out from under us like a carpet. The unfortunate thing is that this three-year genocide has been ignored as has been the lost lives of the many people massacred. Interestingly enough, Hitler used the Armenian Genocide almost as a springboard for the Holocaust. “Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?” With these words, he reassured the Nazi’s that they would not be caught and that their crimes against humanity would go unpunished as it was done with the Turks of the Ottoman Empire.

Since 1524, the Armenians were loyal, law abiding citizens to the Turks of the Ottoman Empire but they were still considered to be second or even third class citizens and not of equal status or of the same stature of the Turks. After a while it seemed to bother the Armenians that they could not get the jobs they wanted or purchase the land that was rightfully theirs due to their unequal standing beside the Turks. So around the year 1800 they asked for their civil rights and protested that they get equal rights. This lead to many small peaceful protests being turned into riots and many small massacres.  The Turks were furious, that the Armenians were “stepping out of line” so in 1896, more than 250,000 Armenian citizens, intellectuals and any persons who tried to fight for civil freedoms were killed. Things only got worse from there.

In 1908 the Young Turk Revolutionists came to power, claiming that they could bring change ad overthrowing the Sultan in the process. The Armenian people rejoiced to the fact that these Young Turks were going to bring change; they had no idea that it was for the worse. So in 1914, the Ottoman Empire entered World War I and suffered a very bad defeat at the hands of Russia. The Turks were angry about their defeat but they knew that this would be the best time to execute their plans. Slowly they started rounding up the Armenians and getting ready for their extermination. The Turks started to evacuate the Armenians from their land with the excuse “its for your protection from the war.’ Then they took their firearms with the excuse “we need weapons for the war”. Lastly they separated all men under the age of fifty from their homes with the excuse “we need solders”. Then on April 24, 1915 the slaughtering began. The Turks murdered all teachers, priests, and any other person smart enough to foil their plans or fight back.

With the remaining people, they stated what is now know as the “death marches” which were systematically planed routes through the Diyarbekir and Deir ez-Zor deserts designed to slowly kill of the Armenian race. By means of torture, starvation, thirst, or firing squad the Turks began to climate everyone. Some were not so lucky, small children were rounded up and buried alive for complaining about lack of water and food. Pregnant women were considered a game, bets were placed as to the gender of the baby and then their stomachs were ripped open to see who was correct. These are a few examples survivors who lived to tell their stories of the horrors they remembered.

By 1918, the death marches had stopped and it was estimated that 1.5 million people of the Armenian population were killed. The Turks were angry that they weren’t able to be rid of the whole Armenian race and so they hid the fact from the world. They told lies about how it was a war and that Turks were also lost in the crossfire because they didn’t want to be responsible for the pain they caused. Even until today, Turkey glowers at the mention of the Genocide of the Armenians.

As I type this blog, the Turks are in my homeland, where my father’s father was raised and where the bodies of my own are buried. They took everything from us and left us close to nothing but they too, deep down, are ashamed of what they wrought. If you visit on of the twelve provinces of Armenia where the Armenian people were forced to leave, you will see that the Turks haven’t touched a single house. Everything remains the same, almost like a ghost town. But the unfortunate fact of the matter is that the Turks are never going to accept the Genocide because of political, SoCal, or economical matters and if it is not recognized within two more years, it will be forgotten. Us as a human race would have let the Turks get away with this hate crime. For the Armenian people, this story will stay in our hearts and we will pass it on from generation to generation so that everyone will know that the world let Turkey get away with this mass murder, extermination, this Genocide of the Armenian people.

Sources:

Article 

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A Happy Marriage

Recently, I have been looking around and seeing all of these people being filling for divorce or people who are already divorced. So recently I started thinking about what it might be like when I’m married and if I would make the same mistakes. Then I went online and searched for the top things that can split a mariage. I came across this website and decided that I could use them in my relationships with people as well as disperse it to married couples to make their marriages can be better. I copy and pasted an excerpt from the article down below.

1. Talking badly about your spouse. One of the things that my husband and I agreed on when we got married was that we would not talk badly about each other to other people. When we have a problem we discuss it with each other instead of others. Occasionally we discuss problems with family but try to focus on positive attributes as well.

2. Repeating the same behaviors. If your spouse is constantly asking
you to take out the garbage can or you continue to use the same degrading tone then you are showing your spouse that you are not willing to change. You are in effect saying that you have no remorse for your actions. It is hard to break bad habits but being willing to try is half the battle.

3. Talking at your spouse. Oftentimes one partner will talk at their spouse instead of with their spouse. Talking at your spouse means that you don’t take time to listen to the other person. You tell them what you want or expect instead of discussing the situation. This type of talk puts your spouse on the defensive and is insulting. If your spouse is tense and avoids conversations chances you have been talking at them instead of with them.

4. Not listening. Listening is so important. That means when your spouse is talking that you stop and really listen. It is so easy to tune a person out when you are busy or the subject matter is not a topic you are interested in. My husband loves jeeps and dirt bikes. As a result his conversation often revolves around these topics. I really try to listen to him because I know it is important to him, even though it doesn’t interest me much. I now know quite a bit about the topics myself. 

5. Not saying please and thank you. It is easy to forget these simple words. But using them acknowledges that you appreciate your spouse and recognize the things that they do for you. It also shows that you are appreciative instead of demanding. Your spouse will be more likely to do things for you when you say please and thank you. Read More…

I find that most of these habits are the tiny cracks in the mirror that eventually break it. Think about it. How can you be married and not have respect for one another, or trust one another, or not listen? Why get married at all? I think that these little habits are important to think about while in the couples stage. If more than three of them are being executed then I think marriage is not an option. There are so many couples in the world that get married of the sake of being married either because of their culture, age, or longing to fill their empty home but thats not right. People should get married under the right circumstances. Love. Respect. Mutual agreement. And most of all, equality.

Now I am certainly no expert on marriage but I have seen a plethora of them in order to form this opinion. A mariage cannot survie unless there is equality among the spouses. But thats not to say that both have to work the same amount and bring the same amount of income and split everything 50/50 because that also has its problems. I am saying that each spouse has to have their own part, their own share in making a house into a home. It can’t be that one cleans the house while the other goes and wrecks it or while one saves and the other spends it. Nor can it be while one turns the house into a home while the other sits and does nothing. Each has to bring something to the table. That is the foundation of a GOOD marriage.

Then in order to have a GREAT marriage, there must be something in between the spouses. Be it love, kindness, or respect there has to be some sort of feeling felt by both. More importantly, it has to be expressed. Sure, you could say the words all you want but those are sort of a short term feeling. It is only with actions that you are able to project how you feel. You have to let your spouse know how much you care and how much love you are willing to give out. Or in other situations, how you respect who their space and respect them as a person. Without any sort of emotion tied into a marriage, the foundation doesn’t matter.

If all that has passed then there is the matter of maintenance. Small things like being able to solve problems in between and knowing when its time to bite your tongue, after all, there is the matter of spending the rest of life with one another. There is also the matter of actually SOLVING problems rather than pushing them under the rug. Love and respect are very powerful but without talking with one another to solve problems, all of these unexpected feelings rise up from the past and then it becomes unclear why things feel that way. No, it is much better to solve through a problem rather than evade it because even outside of marriage, it has been proven that bottling up feelings or acting like they are thrown away creates problems in the long run.

So there you have it, Oso’s advice on how to keep a marriage together. It’s unfortunate I can’t start preaching this stuff, not that anybody would listen. There are so many people who I see that don’t deserve to have a marriage and then there are those poor souls who are so longing to have one but aren’t able to because they haven’t met the right person. I just wish and hope for those people so they can be happy.

Sources:

Improve Your Marriage

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Smart Goals

1) I am going to start writing my Blog at least three days before it’s due. Using the spare hour I have on the bus ride home.

2) Although reading fluffy books is fun, I must read one serious or classic book in a month using the 20 minutes I have before bed.

3) I am going to comment at least once during a class discussion.

Distortion

salvador-dali-melting-clocksOne of my friends actually sent this article to me, knowing that I would be very interested in the subject. This article is all about how you can distort and filter the way your brain picks up information as well as choosing which information to pick up. And then it goes on to list the tell-tale signs of hidden anger. I am unsure why they are on the same page but its ironic that they should be. Recently, things have been up in the air with the people I deal with on a daily basis and when I read this list, I was able to further understand those people. I looked at a couple in particular.

— Being Right: When someone is continuously trying to prove that they are right. Even if they know that there is the slightest possibility that they are wrong, they know in their mind that it is unthinkable for them to be wrong. So they will go to any lengths to demonstrate that they are indeed right.

— Fallacy of Fairness: When someone is resentful because they think they know what is right and what is fair but that might not be the case. Still, that person cant help but feel resentful because they feel that what they know is fair when other people might disagree.

— Personalization: When someone thinks that everything people talk about or whatever they do, is some kind of reaction to them. They think that everything someone how connects to them. They also compare themselves to others, seeing so is smarter or who is better looking.

It’s hard to deal with those certain types of distorted thinking. Although most of us have moments when we become one of the above, there are people out there who live with this filter full force and it gets to you a little bit you know? It’s like how many times can you fight with someone that they just might be wrong or that although some people dont agree, what you think is fair, or worse when someone is constantly thinking that you are doing or talking something about them. How many times can you keep reassuring that person that you aren’t talking about them? And what if you can’t one day? What happens? To be honest, I can deal with a lot of different personalities but sometimes it just gets to you. Even then… I don’t know. I just feel in a daze of some sort. At another glance through the list, I picked out the filters that I personally apply to my self.

—Fallacy of Change: When someone expects that other people with change inorder to suit them. They think that if with time and with enough right amount of pressure that others will change eventually. These people feel that need to change others to suit them because they think that their happiness depends entirely on the other person.

—Blaming: When someone holds another person responsible for their pain and that the other person is the only one who can reverse it. Or they blame the pain on themselves and try to find a reversal within themselves.

—Mind Reading: When someone, without anybody saying anything, knows what other people are feeling. They know why they are feeling as such and why they act the way they do. To be even more specific they are able to feel how another feels towards them.

To be honest, the last one doesn’t seem like a way of thinking. It seems more of a gift and there are a couple more on the list that seem more like just gifts. Anyway, these distorted ways of thinking actually come in handy some what. Some of them just seem distorted but others seem like they sort of enhance your way of thinking and help you to look past whats on the surface. So what might seem distorted might actually be just an enhancement.

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Is it Doubt?

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Recently, I have found myself full of doubt. It’s like all of the things I have done in the past are coming back to haunt my very being. Was I right to let go of the one person that harmed me, who was also my greatest joy? Was it right for me to do something terrible as long at it was for a few seconds of pleasure? I am doing or living my life the right way? How can I be certain? I cant, and thats where all of this doubt comes from. It comes from all of the memories and all of the darkness which floods every single empty void in my body and makes me shiver, hairs standing on end. Doubt, in and of itself, is a nasty feeling. It goes hand in hand with jealousy yet this feeling lasts terribly longer because there is no real way to resolve it.

The worst type of doubt comes from the relationships you hold with people because that type of doubt almost never finds a way to resolve itself. You never really know if someone was going to betray you. You can never be certain if that person was going to love you. And above all, you can never be positive that the decision you made was the right choice. It hurts me terribly to feel all of these things but its a part of everyday life, without doubt as your guide, you are lost. It helps you make sure that what you did was the right thing to do. If you feel doubt, then it wasent. So I think that the most reasonable thing to do is go back and undo what you have done.

Doubt is something that is definitely unavoidable but you can make it easier if you walk into something with a clear head and mind. Cut all loose ends before starting something new so you can walk into something and be certain of it.

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